A checklist is a strange tool for a question this big. But the act of putting words to checkmarks externalizes the question — moves it from the loop in your head to a page in front of you, where you can see it. That alone is often the most useful hour you'll spend on this.
What this checklist is. A set of statements organized into six areas (the marriage, the kids, the money, your identity, your family and community, the future). You mark each as "true today," "true sometimes," or "not true." There is no scoring. The pattern is the point.
What this checklist is not. A diagnosis. A verdict. A substitute for therapy. A reason to leave (or stay) by itself. The checklist surfaces what you already know; it does not decide.
The marriage. ☐ We can have hard conversations without them ending badly. ☐ I feel known by my partner. ☐ We laugh together, regularly, about new things. ☐ Physical affection is part of our life. ☐ Contempt is not part of how we speak to each other. ☐ I feel safe — physically, emotionally — in this marriage. ☐ I would describe us as friends.
The kids (if applicable). ☐ I believe the kids experience our home as warm. ☐ I believe staying is, on net, better for them than a well-handled separation. ☐ I have a clear picture of what co-parenting would look like, not just a fear of it. ☐ I am not staying primarily because of them. ☐ The kids are not already living in a low-grade version of two parallel households.
The money. ☐ I have a clear picture of our household finances. ☐ I have my own income or a concrete path to one. ☐ I have access to our financial accounts. ☐ I know roughly what our marital estate consists of. ☐ I am not staying primarily because of money. ☐ I have an honest read on what "financially I'd be okay" actually means for me.
Your identity. ☐ I know who I am outside this marriage. ☐ I have friendships that exist independently of my spouse. ☐ I have interests and a life of my own. ☐ I am not staying primarily out of fear of being alone. ☐ I am not leaving primarily because of an idea about who I would be if I left.
Family, faith, community. ☐ I have at least one person I can speak honestly to about this. ☐ The people whose opinion I most respect would understand whichever decision I make. ☐ I am not staying primarily to avoid disappointing my family. ☐ I am not leaving primarily because someone outside the marriage has been telling me to.
The future. ☐ I can imagine the next ten years in this marriage without dread. ☐ I can imagine the next ten years outside this marriage with more curiosity than fear. ☐ I have started, more than once, to picture my life on the other side. ☐ I feel a sense of relief when I imagine the decision being made, either way.
How to read your checklist. Count nothing. Look at the pattern. Which area had the most unchecked boxes? Which had the least? Which check made you sigh? Which made you hesitate before you put the pen down? Those reactions are the actual content of the exercise. The Decision Map below holds all of this, auto-saves, and adds the five-year regret test and a one-page letter to yourself when you're ready.
Not sure yet? Try the Decision tool.
A private workspace for the question should I get a divorce? — five reflections, the reasons stay/leave list, the five-year regret test. Auto-saves. Nothing is shared with the firm unless you choose.
Open the Decision toolThis article is for general information only and is not legal advice. For guidance on a specific matter, contact the office.